The Driving Test/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Thank you very much. This is a big day for possum lake road construction. They're fixing that bump at the top of the hill into town. Boy, the things that have smashed against the inside of my van there. What are the eggs for? You going to possum lake little theatre? No, I'm using these to test the bump. If I can drive over without cracking these babies, I'll call it fixed. Ha, good idea. Wear old clothes. (horns honking) (quacking) (red): In this show, hap discusses his days as a whaler, and harold and I change places. Don't worry, it's not permanent. I get dougie franklin to say a word he hardly ever thinks of. Well, I'll hand it to those construction guys. They took 4 hours to do a 15-minute job, but between leaning on shovels and rolling smokes, they managed to fix that bump. I can't compliment the cops running the radar trap. Exactly how fast were you going? 'cause tickets can be expensive. Did they say anything about you losing points? Twelve of them. Wow, I didn't know the van could go that fast. No -- I lost three for speeding, three for the condition of the vehicle, and I lost three for driving with an obstructed view. Wait -- that's only nine points. I lost another three for speeding on the way back. They left her on the side of the road. They were going to tow it, but the chief thought it would make the police compound look bad. ♪ uncle red has to go to driver's school ♪ no, I don't -- I just have to be retested. But until then, I got no licence and no wheels. And yet, you still have a spare tire. (red): When you have a problem, it's nice to have friends. At least you'd think that. I don't have my van. So bill's suggesting other ways I can get around. I'm sure he means well. He doesn't do well. (audience laughing) do you have any other ideas? Anything else at all? Oh good. You're into it up to your big mouth. No sooner do you start putting your new gas barbecue together... You get stuck -- tab "a" won't fit in slot "b". She says, "what do the instructions say?" (audience laughing) now you're really stuck. Because you haven't read the instructions, have ya? They're sealed in a little plastic bag that you're kneeling on. (audience laughing) time to think fast. Something you're not good at or you wouldn't be cursing tab "a". Try saying you were trying to put it together with your eyes closed to try and understand what it feels like to be stevie wonder. This is as far as you got. Pretty good, huh? Or tell her you read about a guy who got a barbecue from taiwan. They made a mistake when they translated the instructions. The whole thing exploded. But say someone got killed. That way it sounds real. Next time you get something like this, first thing you do, find the instructions, throw 'em away. You can claim that it didn't come with any. If there's another set in another language, hang on to them. You're gonna need to look at those pictures later. ♪ it's so easy to fool your senses ♪ ♪ you can't believe what you see ♪ ♪ but your nose knows the inside story ♪ ♪ it can't be tricked by the powers that be ♪ ♪ so whenever you make a decision ♪ ♪ take a whiff of the air like this ♪ ♪ 'cause it may walk like a duck ♪ ♪ and talk like a duck ♪ ♪ but if it smells kind of cheesy, it is ♪ just built a table for the wife to make up for the fact that I've lost my driver's licence. We call that "mercy furniture". This week I'll show you how you can beat radar traps. That way you can avoid the embarrassment that I have to put up with, or at least some of it. The way radar works is a beam comes flying towards your car, bounces off something metal, heads back to the cop car, tells them how much you're exceeding the speed limit. He pulls you over and gives you that $200 smile. So, you have to control what part of your car the radar hits. What we do is we take a piece of foam, or a box of chocolates or a box of cereal, or any book by dickens, and wrap that with wire, then we'll hook the wire up to this nine-volt battery. This is what will attract the radar. Similar to the technology used in that stealth bomber, except in reverse. And a couple of dollars cheaper I believe. There we go. This will attract every piece of radar in your neighbourhood. You'll be picked up by ships at sea. You don't mount this on your car any old which way. This has to be secured on a moving belt, sort of like moose thompson's buckle. You could go to your grocery store and pork the conveyer belt while the manager's getting you a fresher cabbage. But, I prefer to use a ladder and some-- bed sheeting. I have the sheet running over the ladder. She's also running over this copper pipe. You can get copper pipe out of your basement. Remember to turn the water off. That's easy to say now. At the end of the pipe I've got a hunk of clothesline wrapped around a clothesline pulley. The beauty of stealing a clothesline set is you get two pulleys. What am I going to do with the other pulley? I hoped you'd never ask. Bolt it to the rear wheel of your favourite vehicle. Take the clothesline, hook that on to the pulley. Then that goes up and attaches to... Our belt. When the car moves, that drives the pulley, that drives the belt, and that moves our radar-attracter-thingy in the opposite direction. So, if you're going, say, 60 miles an hour, well, the radar tracker is going 20 miles an hour backwards. So, the radar reads it as 60 minus 20 is... Legal. We have a problem. When this comes around and goes underneath, it's going to jam up against the roof. I need something to raise the ladder up. Hmm? Oh, oh, oh, oh. Tell you what, this craft table would be perfect if it didn't have a top on it. That's the beauty of using one nail. (audience laughing) perfect. We got her on a jack so we can demonstrate... You gotta have a twist in this. Otherwise they'll be going in the same direction, which will double your speed. You'll get a ticket for doing 120. Let's give her a try. (engine starting) and that's working perfect. Oh, oh, oh, just thought of something. Don't mess around with the ratios of the pulley. Otherwise you're going 60 miles an hour forward. The radar thing is going 60 miles an hour backward. The cop will pull you over and give you a ticket for parking on the freeway. Remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I'm going to put the pedal to the metal. (red): Stay tuned for garth and his snake. Lose your car and discover who your friends are. Lodge members teasing you? I can't take it from old man sedgwick. He's blind, he's deaf. He's got the reflexes of a houseplant. He's driving a 60-foot motor home. He's a menace at the wheel. He's asleep at the wheel, harold. Ask me questions from the driver handbook. "what's the procedure for stopping at a stop sign: "stopping at the sign or at the corner?" well, if nobody's coming, I usually slow down to 40, unless my horn's broken. I'll mark that as "I have no idea, and I just failed the test." did you read the handbook? Have you seen the size of the print? Maybe you need glasses. My eyes are fine. How many fingers am I holding up? Better be more than one. You need glasses. I got no way of getting to the eye doctor. The guys are on the lake. Well, I have my licence. All you have to do is ask... Nicely. Oh man. Harold, will you drive me to the eye doctor, please? Ok, sure. What vehicle are we taking? I said I have my licence. I didn't say I have a vehicle. You want to ride on the handlebars or the rat trap? You hear a lot of talk about power saws. But a sharp hand saw is just as effective. All you've got to do is cut a notch in your wood, then cut a notch on the other side. And then just very quickly finish off your cut. Remember, any tool can be the right tool. This is the big one. The grand prize is for over a hundred dollars, less expenses and all that sort of stuff. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to make mr. Franklin say this word. Thirty seconds, and go. All right, uh... Masculine. Chuck norris. Opposite. Willard scott. (audience laughing) woman. Maintenance. Perfect woman. Expensive? Dougie, you see a woman. She's petite, she's pretty. You say she's very... Very... Not from around here. (audience laughing) you're running out of time, uncle red. I can't think of anything else to say. You're sitting there. Say something, anything. Uh... All right... Harold. Feminine. (bell ringing) (applause) garth harble here... Animal control, with another lesson in wildlife management. Come on in here, red. What did you do to your leg there, garth? I had a bit of a run-in with a caribou down at the animal control centre. I had to take one for the team, red. Oh, oh, I forgot something. I'll be right back. Oh, ah. It looks like it was a short caribou. No, no -- I was standing on my desk. Today we're talking about snakes. Lots of civilians are afraid of snakes. We in the a.C. Uniform know that snakes are basically harmless... Unless you step in their nest. I'll never forget that trip to the hospital. I had so much poison in me I didn't think I could keep the truck on the road. I just stay away from snakes. You don't like animals, do you, red? Well, not as much as life, no. (rustling) what the-- what are you doing? What are you-- this means snake. Sort of a standard hand signal. All right. (rustling) I think we have an authentic "mississauga" rattler. All I have to do is grab him around the head with this snake pole. Got him! Whoa, whoa, boy. He's a big one. Oh, settle down there. He's got an attitude. I've got a burlap bag on the porch. I'm going to put him in that. Garth, I think you got him by the tail there. Huh? (chomping sound) oh! Oh, oh. Another super day. Oh. (sighing) well, surprise, surprise. The bump in the road is back and it's bigger and better than ever. What? Nothing. (laughing) apparently, when they fixed the bump, everybody started speeding so much into town that they decided to put a speed bump in there, a really big one. (laughing) ok, ok, I owe you one. You owe me another one, harold. I want you to go down there and pretend you're me. At the eye doctor? The licence office -- you take the test for me. We've got the same last name, the same address. As long as you don't tell them your I.Q., they'll think you're me. I guess the bell fell off. I hope the bell fell off. (red): So bill's still looking for other-- ow. Bill's still looking for ways that I can get around. Ok, bill, I'll help you. That's what friends are for. So, this is the skateboard thing. They're very popular with young people. Not that much to it, I wouldn't think. What? Oh boy, oh boy, where's that going? Ok, uh, that's not going to work out that well. Ok, now he's got the inline skates. Wanted me to help him get that-- oh. Oh. Lost a little bit of patience here. All right, there, that-- ok. The thing with inline skates, I believe it's like ice skating. It's a question of balance. It's more of sort of a natural athletic ability, and I guess it takes a little while to get the... When you start thinking about how short life is -- there he goes. There's that technique -- oh, what's this? Skateboard and inline skates, and what's -- ok. I don't want to get-- what are you doing, bill? Oh, I see. Hitchhiking. Well, that makes sense. You go ahead, bill. I'll wait here. (red): Coming up, harold will impersonate me. Sometimes you do get a glimpse of justice in this life. Old man sedgwick was so busy razzing me, he drove his motor home through a stand of trees, ripped the side mirror off. He won't even notice till he looks in it, which is never. Harold has agreed to take the driving test for me as a way of securing his pay. Harold, come on in. (applause) after the test, I'll have to sign the organ donation card. What, what, hold it, hold it! I'm not donating organs. What if I get to heaven without kidneys and there's an open bar? (mimicking red): I'd call it a set-back. (audience laughing) don't do that, harold. (applause) (mimicking red): Ahhhh, don't do what? Ahhhh, stop calling me harold. Just get down and get my licence, please. (mimicking red): All right. Keep your stick on the ice. (mimicking harold): Haaa haaa, ha ha ha, ha ha ha. That's funny, uncle red. Ha ha ha, ha ha ha. Ranger gord again. Here's an interesting piece of wildlife lore. During the mating season, animals will claw the trees to mark their territory. Bears do it. Badgers do it. So do wolves. But these markings aren't from any of those. These are... Oh yeah. Well, I'm only human. Welcome to the expert portion of the show. This week, we have my uncle red and water taxi captain, mr. Hap shaughnessy. (applause) this week's letter goes as follows. Oh, cool, it's got a nautical theme. He's a... Thing. "dear experts, how can I help protect the whales?" oh man, I got to tell you, I don't get this. I hear a lot about this. You got an animal, this thing's 100 feet long, weighs about 1,000 tons. If this thing can't take care of itself, really, I don't know what I can do for them. No, red -- harold is talking about whaling. Oh. We got to agree to stop killing the whales. All right, fine. Next time I see a whale in possum lake, I'm going to back off. I'll speak to bernice and get her and her friends to ease off the whaling activities. Just because nobody you know kills whales doesn't mean it's not happening. Don't assume things aren't happening 'cause lodge members don't do it. I'm the fella you're looking for, harold. I was a whaler at one time. (audience laughing) never a professional, not like them big japanese ships. No, I was more of a sport whaler. (audience laughing) I went out in the canoe, you know. (audience laughing) a 20-footer, a big one. Yeah, sounds like a big one. Mr. Shaughnessy, how did you get a big harpoon gun into a canoe? A harpoon? -- Where's the sport in that? No, I'd wrap a rope around myself and dive in. I'd grab his tail, hang on, and wear him down. It wasn't easy. Did you ever see their tails? They're incredible. Well, incredible tails would be right up your alley, I would think. (audience laughing) how long did it take you to wear this whale down? Uh, 10, 20 months. (audience laughing) and me out there thrashing around hanging on for a year or more. I tell you, I began to hate the taste of seafood. All except the stingray. Their little toes are a delicacy. That whale would collapse. I'd tow it into shore. That village had enough blubber for the year. Mr. Shaughnessy, that... Is a lot of blubber. (audience laughing) I stopped after I tried to battle the great white whale moby richard. (audience laughing) I think you mean moby dick. No, I didn't know him that well. That's not fair. I could have passed that test easy. Well, you didn't. It's not my fault -- your belly got stuck in the steering wheel and I drove the car through murray's fruit stand. Oh my gosh. Ah ha ha. Those stems really hurt. Wait a minute. If they think you're me, do I get blamed for this? No, no. My beard went flying. I got hit by a kiwi. So I had to tell them who I really was... Old man sedgwick. His licence has been permanently revoked. That is excellent work. Thanks to me, the road is a safer place to be. Don't count on it -- I got my licence back. While you were making fruit salad, I went to court and blamed the mess on the bump. The judge hated the bump, too. He pointed to a lump on his head where his hair used to be. So I got my licence back. As soon as I get my van back I'll be complete. How sad. (possum squeal) oh, meeting time. I'm going to go. I've got to get some watermelon pits out of my undies. You're on your own. If my wife is watching, what do you say we go for a moonlit drive down by the lake? A romantic spot where we can park. Don't worry, I'll take everything slow. I can't afford any more demerit points. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and all the guys at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (possum squeal) (harold): All rise. All rise. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!